“I Just Need To”: The Coaching Red Flag That Tells Us There’s More Going On
This is Part 1 of “Listening for the Signals,” a three-part series on the moments we’re tempted to dismiss, minimize, or push past: resistance, strong emotions, and the wandering mind. Instead of treating these signals as problems to overcome, we’ll explore what becomes possible when we get curious about what they’re telling us.
The Magical Flattening
Any client who has worked with me long enough has probably found themselves saying, “I just need to…” at some point in a coaching conversation.
Sometimes those four words appear at the beginning of a session when we’re deciding what to work on. A client might be discussing a challenge or pain point, only to dismiss it as a topic because they already know what they need to do.
“I just need to [INSERT MAGICALLY SIMPLE AND EASY THING].”
It might sound like, “I just need to get over myself and do it.” Or, “I just need to get started.” Or, “I just need to get a system in place.”
Sometimes the magical flattening happens at the end of a session, as we’re doing our action planning. “I just need to start getting up earlier so I can organize my day better.” Or, “I just need to finish that strategy document, then I can schedule the team-building session.” Or one of my absolute favorites: “I just need to stop overthinking things.”
Oh. I see. Easy peasy. NBD, as the kids geriatric millenials say.
Let’s just entirely change your operating system on the fly, with the sheer power of that one uttered sentence.
When “I just need to” shows up, it usually flattens a complex, challenging, vague, or emotionally daunting task into a one-dimensional statement. It takes the curiosity right out of it, and implies that the thing should be easy.
And so, when you show up two weeks later and the item (shockingly) hasn’t budged, the conversation often focuses on self-recrimination rather than reflection.
After all, it was entirely up to you to just complete that simple “little” step.
Why “I Just Need To” Gets My Attention as a Coach
I’ll sometimes joke with clients that “I just need to” is my coaching red-flag phrase.
Not because it indicates anything wrong on the client’s part, but because those words usually serve as a signal flare. Something may be blocking progress, and we may not yet be giving it the attention it deserves.
When I hear that phrase, my spidey senses start tingling. I lean in a little closer. I’ll ask permission to explore a bit further. And I get very, very curious.
Often, the intention or action someone cites as an easy throwaway comment has been sitting on their to-do list for weeks, months, or even years.
(Sidenote: Lest anyone think I’m writing this from some pristine mountaintop of perfect enlightenment and self-awareness, please know that I have been saying some version of “I just need to write a few more blog posts” since approximately… ehem, December. So yes, this is a professional observation. It is also, admittedly, field research. Even coaches need coaches, y’all.)
Sometimes, when I point out that something might be blocking the item, folks will say, “No, no, I really just need to buckle down and get it done.”
Cool cool. I do love some good determination and motivation.
But how long have you been telling yourself that? And how’s it working out?
If it truly were that simple, or if scolding yourself were actually effective, then perhaps it would have been done already. Maybe, just maybe, there’s more to it than we’re assuming.
All Those Buried Ledes
Ultimately, that phrase is just a thread for us to pull on. It can be hard to predict where it takes us.
When we’ve been sweeping past the real challenge at hand, it’s often because there’s something uncomfortable, unclear, or unknown involved. In effect, we’ve buried the lede.
We may claim that the headline is a “lack of effort” or “lack of dedication,” but the real story might be a lack of clarity around objectives, uncertainty around capability, the absence of motivating elements, fear of failure, or even the daunting prospect of success. Procrastination is nearly never a discipline problem.
Until we pause long enough to understand the system factors and dynamics at play, we’ll keep solving for the wrong problem.
“Shoulding” Doesn’t Work. And Neither Does “Justing”
In 1950, psychoanalyst Karen Horney coined the term “the tyranny of the shoulds” in her book Neurosis and Human Growth, and by now, many of us have probably heard the phrase, “Stop shoulding all over yourself.”
It turns out that both “should” and “just” rely on an imaginary, idealized state rather than the messy, complex reality we actually live in.
Despite what a famous footwear brand would have us believe, scolding ourselves to “just do it already” isn’t particularly practical or effective. That “just” carries a lot of judgment and not a lot of curiosity.
Have you ever presented someone with a challenging situation, only to have them respond with, “You just need to…”?
When someone else drops those words, it’s easier to see how dismissive they can be. In the coaching world, we know how futile advice can be. It’s often based on incorrect assumptions or oversimplifications. Worse, it can signal to the recipient that the answer is obvious and they simply weren’t smart enough or capable enough to see it.
We may find ourselves thinking, “Well, yeah, if it were that straightforward, I would have done it already.”
And yet we often lose sight of that same oversimplification when we’re directing the words at ourselves.
What to Ask Instead
This is where the power of coaching can come in.
A coach can hold up a mirror and help us better examine where the real challenges lie. Coaching taps into curiosity, non-judgment, and reflection. Skilled coaches listen not just for the words being said, but also for the words left unsaid. We are listening to understand the human, not just the mechanics of the situation.
A coach can help visualize what success would look like. They can help scaffold the plan so the next steps are clear, compelling, and achievable. They can help inventory what works for you and what doesn’t, allowing you to work with the empirical evidence of “what is” rather than the ephemeral concept of “what should be.”
And we can all tap into some of that same curiosity.
The next time you notice an aging action item on your to-do list and hear yourself saying, “I just need to…,” consider taking a beat, taking a breath, and asking:
What is actually involved here?
What has made this hard to move forward?
What am I assuming should be easy?
What information, support, structure, or motivation might be missing?
What would make the next step smaller, clearer, or more compelling?
We can listen for the Magical Flattening of “I just need to,” both in our own narratives and in the narratives of others. We can pull on that thread and see where there might be a more effective, more honest path forward.
And if that feels daunting, you can always reach out to us at Two Piers.
Our motto doesn’t include the word “just.” Our motto is, “Together is Better.”