When Crying Enters the (Coaching) Chat

Welcome to Part II of our three-part series on “listening for the signals.”

In Part I of this series, we explored why, as a coach, I listen a little more closely when I hear the words, “I just need to…”

Signals can come in all forms, though, and sometimes, the ones I’m paying attention to are not verbal. They may, perhaps, show up in the form of some tears.

The Tears Are Allowed In Coaching

A lot of folks think that coaching conversations stay focused on professional efforts, goals, and tactics. And yes, much of the discussion focuses on those areas. And yet, the professional work we do and the challenges we face in our careers are nearly always tied to deeper meaning and importance, often connecting to our core values and sense of identity. A big part of coaching is actually unearthing that deeper meaning and context.

the Importance Onion (Or Matryoshka Doll)

In engineering, there’s a tactic for root cause failure analysis (RCFA) called the Five Whys. When you’re faced with a presenting issue, an iterative series of “Why?” questions can help to uncover the deeper system factors at play. By the fifth, “Why?” there’s usually some clarity around the true root causes.

Coaching often follows a similar process: instead of asking “Why?” to find root causes, we ask “What makes that important?” to identify higher-order goals.

For example, we might start out talking about wanting a promotion, and after peeling back several layers of the “importance onion,” (or opening a few Matryoshka dolls of meaning), we often arrive at something resembling a core value: family, freedom, security, contribution, belonging, fulfillment.

So when we’re talking about the meaning of someone’s work, their hopes for their family, their sense of self, or what it would mean to live a purposeful life, it is not that unexpected for emotions to enter the chat.

And yet, nearly every time a client tears up during a coaching session, regardless of gender, career stage, or industry, the tears are accompanied by an apology and some amount of self-consciousness. It’s not unusual for a client to say, “I don’t even know why I’m crying right now!” Or they might say, “I didn’t mean to make this a therapy session.”

(We’ll explain a bit further later in this article, but let me assure you that the mere presence of tears does not suddenly turn a coaching session into some sort of illicit therapy session. Tears are absolutely allowed in coaching.)

No Need For Apologies

First off, I want to address the urge to apologize for crying. I get it. It makes sense for a whole raft of reasons, especially considering most coaching sessions occur during the workday, usually at a desk, maybe from a home office or a worksite.

Add to this context the fact that many of us have been taught that visible emotion signals a lack of composure, professionalism, maturity, or control. Depending on the workplace, the situation, and the identities of the person crying, such a perception can have some very tangible consequences. (Many people face a very narrow band of “acceptable” displays of emotions, outside of which, they are heavily penalized.)

Crying can also feel intensely vulnerable and exposed. It’s typically involuntary, and hey, the term “ugly crying” exists for a reason. For people who are accustomed to being composed and in control, that can feel particularly uncomfortable.

When the Cost of Crying Is High

There are plenty of circumstances in which someone may reasonably want to maintain their outward poise; high-stakes interactions like negotiations, performance discussions, and emergency management immediately come to mind. After all, there’s a reason the walk-in freezer is a bit of a trope in the service industry. For many of us women working on the water, the women’s locker room served as an equally ideal, uninhabited, and well-insulated space to cry it all out, (with the Fire Team closet a close second).

There are tactics for getting through those moments where the cost of crying is high, and we don’t have access to a walk-in freezer. Drinking water. Doing math. Box breathing.

But none of those tactics are necessary in a coaching environment.

Is Crying Good for You?

It turns out that there could be some tangible physiological benefits to crying.

Research suggests that crying may help close the stress cycle and help the body return to equilibrium. (For a deep-dive on the process of allostasis, check out the work of Lisa Feldman Barrett and the theory of constructed emotion.) Some likely mechanisms appear to be activation of the parasympathetic nervous system, the release of oxytocin and endogenous opioids, and even some of the rhythmic breathing associated with sobbing.

Crying Affects People Differently

The reality is that crying affects individuals differently, and while some of us experience benefit and relief, others may face exhaustion or headaches, and many of us likely experience some combo of “all of the above.”

All of that to say: crying is a normal part of your body’s regulation and response, and just like a bead of sweat might indicate the ambient temperature is warmer than comfortable, a tear may indicate additional data.

Crying In the Coaching Context

I see some parallels between when I hear “I just need to…” and when I see someone look to the ceiling, wipe away some tears, and try to quickly move past the emotion.

When We Miss the Gorilla

Usually, it’s the brusque dismissal of the deeper element at play. Many of us have probably seen the video of the basketball players passing a ball around. We’re told to count how many times the players in white pass the ball. Often, we’re so focused on counting passes that we entirely miss the gorilla that walks right through the scene, even breaking the fourth wall for a moment.

We are so focused on some perceived goal or some idealized way of being that we entirely miss the gorilla walking through the scene. Or maybe we know it’s there, and we don’t want to look it in the face. Because sometimes there’s something a bit challenging under that surface. It’s easier to focus on time management tactics than it is to address, say, a fear of failure.

The Signal May Be Coming From Somewhere Else

The fascinating thing with crying is that it’s not always directly related to the immediate topic at hand. As I mentioned, clients will often say, “I don’t even know why I’m crying right now!” Usually with an exasperated laugh.

I don’t know either! But hey, there’s probably something here worth exploring.

Have you ever taken your car to the mechanic and said, “The noise is definitely coming from [insert specific location]...” only to discover that the noise was actually originating from somewhere else in the vehicle? (This can be referred to by some mechanics as telegraphing, while the more technical terminology is “structure-borne sound transmission, resulting in acoustic mislocalization.”) Sometimes, big emotions showing up in coaching (or elsewhere) can be similar.

Curiosity Without Diagnosis

Which is why we simply get curious.

As a coach, I’m not there to assign meaning for a client, offer up a diagnosis, or start digging into anyone’s trauma. Instead, I’m there to notice that we’ve likely touched on something important, either directly or indirectly. That “something” may turn out to be part of the real work of coaching, or it may point to an underlying element that would be better explored in a therapeutic setting. Either way, it’s worth pausing rather than brushing past.

Not All Tears Mean Sadness

Tears can surface from a variety of sources: frustration, anger, relief, embarrassment, gratitude, exhaustion, connection, beauty, or even the feeling of being seen and understood.

(I am not generally known as a big crier, but I’ve joked in the past that my anger has been known to escape through my tear ducts, and for some reason, the first emergence of daffodils after a long Maine winter seems to hit me with a tear-inducing wave of emotion every year.)

So pausing gives us a moment to reflect on what might be important here. What wisdom is emerging. What questions we should be asking. And, importantly, what care we should be taking.

Why the Coaching Space Is Different

A coaching session is not a performance review.

It is not a board presentation, emergency response, or negotiation in which you need to manage perceptions or build your brand.

It is also different from talking with friends or family. With people we love, we may worry about burdening them or making them uncomfortable. I often think that the common reaction of “Oh no! Don’t cry!” is less about trying to soothe the crier and more about protecting the observer from discomfort.

The Coach Is Okay

A coaching session is centered on the client’s needs and goals. We are there to get to the bottom of what the client needs and wants, and how best to get there. ICF-credentialed coaches are assessed on a set of eight Core Competencies. Those competencies explicitly include supporting clients’ expression of feelings, noticing emotional and nonverbal shifts, remaining grounded in the presence of strong emotions, and allowing silence and reflection.

So in short: your tears are not an inconvenience or a source of discomfort.

Working effectively with whatever emerges is part of the job of being a coach.

But Does This Make It Therapy?

Coaching can address feelings, values, beliefs, identity, and behavioral patterns without becoming clinical or therapeutic.

Emotion Is Not the Distinction

The presence of emotion is not what distinguishes therapy from coaching. We are entire human beings, messy and complex and, yes, emotional. Our emotions do not disappear simply because the conversation is future-focused or professionally oriented.

The Difference Is Purpose and Scope

The distinction between coaching and therapy here relates to the purpose and scope of the work.

A coach may help you notice an emotional response, explore what it reveals about your values or assumptions, and then serve as a thought partner as you decide what you want to do with that awareness.

A coach should not, however, try to diagnose or treat a mental health condition (unless, of course, they happen to also be separately qualified, licensed, and explicitly working in that capacity - but then we’d literally call it a therapy session).

If something emerges that would be better supported by a qualified mental health professional, a trained and ethical coach should recognize that boundary and discuss an appropriate referral.

What If I Start to Cry In a Coaching Session?

By now, you probably won’t be surprised by my cheeky response: Just Do It!

Ok, I’m kidding. That’s a self-referential clapback. I apologize.

My honest personal opinion on the matter is, if you feel able, it’s probably best to just let the tears serve their purpose and maybe consider saying, “Well, isn’t that interesting.” Or important. Or heavy. Or… Or… Or…

But I’d definitely encourage you to be a bit selfish. You’re the reason we’re in the coaching session. It’s for your benefit. You get to luxuriate in the space of not having to perform for anyone else. You do not need to waste that moment on worrying about what the coach is thinking or feeling. The coach is ok.

You Still Decide Where the Conversation Goes

The coach might create some space, or they may ask some exploratory questions, but ultimately, you get to decide where to take it from there. It doesn’t need to be a deep dive. It doesn’t need to take over the session. And it definitely doesn’t need to be dismissed.

It’s simply a signal. A sign that something here matters.

Want to Come (Maybe) Cry In Coaching?

A good coaching conversation creates room to reflect, notice what is emerging, develop meaningful insights, and decide what you want to do next (with or without tears).

You can learn more about our Two Piers philosophy on coaching by visiting our Coaching page or scheduling a Discovery Call to get to know us better and see how we can support you.

Next Up: Zoomies

In Part III of our Listening for the Signals series, we’ll turn to another commonly disregarded signal: the mental zoomies that appear when our brains need time to wander, connect ideas, and engage the default mode network (DMN) instead of remaining permanently leashed to the task-positive network (TPN).

Stay tuned! (Get it? Tuned? Signals? I’ll see myself out now…)

Sources

Gračanin, Bylsma, and Vingerhoets, “Is Crying a Self-Soothing Behavior?” Frontiers in Psychology, 2014.
“Is Crying Good for You?” Harvard Health Publishing.
“Why Do We Cry? UAB Psychologist Explores the Science and Psychology Behind Crying,” University of Alabama at Birmingham.
“Eight Benefits of Crying: Why It’s Good to Shed a Few Tears,” Medical News Today.
International Coaching Federation, 2025 ICF Core Competencies.

Crying in Coaching: When Emotions Enter the Chat