Confidence Isn’t Built by Pretending — It’s Grown With Evidence and Support
In Part 1, we explored how patience, curiosity, and safety can allow an animal—or a human—to reveal their full self. We saw how behavior under stress isn't a fixed identity, and how presence and belief can transform outcomes.
In this installment, we shift from observation to introspection. What does it actually take to build confidence? And what well-intended advice might be quietly eroding it?
The Real Origins of Confidence
We live in a world that celebrates confidence as charisma, certainty, or dominance. But true confidence isn’t about outward appearance. It’s grounded in something deeper: the internal trust that we can handle what comes our way because we’ve built the skills, gathered the experience, or survived the last storm.
Psychologists refer to this as self-efficacy: our belief in our own capability to achieve specific goals or face specific challenges. It’s not generic bravado. It’s built through doing—through mastery experiences, feedback, modeling, and support. And it can’t be faked into being.
But that hasn’t stopped the bad advice givers from trying to convince us otherwise…
The Problem With “Fake It Till You Make It”
“Fake it till you make it” is a common refrain in professional settings, and it seems to be a favorite piece of advice to offer up women, (whether they are truly lacking confidence or not). It’s meant to be empowering. A little boost. A confidence hack.
But it’s often counterproductive, for a variety of reasons.
The biggest one is that faking it introduces a gap between what we’re projecting and what we actually feel or believe. It focuses us on the theatrical performance rather than true believe. For some, this gap creates emotional dissonance—an internal sense of fraudulence that can feed imposter phenomenon, stress, and self-doubt. Instead of building trust in ourselves, it signals that we can’t be honest about what we don’t yet know. And over time, that erodes confidence, rather than strengthening it.
I’ve seen this firsthand.
Emergency Response and the Confidence That Can’t Be Faked
Photo taken from the “fast boat” as we departed my home-away-from-home in Angola, after finishing a month-long hitch offshore.
When I was preparing for my OPITO Major Emergency Management certification, (the qualification required to serve as an Offshore Installation Manager or “OIM”), I spent months going through practice drills offshore as the On-Scene Commander. These exercises were full-scale: involving all 200 people on the facility, deploying medical and firefighting teams, simulating real emergencies.
It started out rocky.
I had to post a reminder next to the tannoy (intercom) to speak “low and slow” during announcements:
“FOR EXERCISE, FOR EXERCISE! This is the OIM…”
But over time, I found my voice, literally and figuratively. Through repetition, feedback, and exposure to a wide range of emergency scenarios, I grew more confident and more composed. I began to trust myself, my training, and my ability to adapt. That wasn’t a mindset I faked. It was something I earned through real, often uncomfortable growth.
When the time came for my formal assessment, I flew to Aberdeen, Scotland with a colleague. We’d be evaluated by independent assessors, with a company representative there to observe and advocate for us, if needed.
Let’s call that representative Mr. Ted.
I had worked with Mr. Ted when I first arrived in the region. He had a habit of offering unsolicited advice.
“Would you like some feedback?” he’d ask, before delivering his observations, always with an air of fatherly support.
When he arrived at the training center and saw my colleague and me, he turned to me and said cheerfully, “It’s okay if you’re nervous! Just fake it. You’ll be fine.”
My colleague, who had a much quieter presence and had struggled more in his own preparation, chuckled and said, “I don’t think she’s the one you need to be worried about.”
Sure enough, I did extremely well in the assessment. We both passed. But that moment stuck with me.
Later, while sharing a ride to the airport, he mentioned that he’d be helping another female colleague in different region prepare for her assessment. I decided to was time to give Mr. Ted a small sample of his own medicine before he started dosing it out to other professional women in the field.
“Hey—would you like some feedback about how to effectively support women?”
He looked surprised, but said yes.
I offered this:
“If you’re coaching a woman, first of all, don’t assume that she lacks confidence. Just ask her how she’s feeling. If she shares that she’s feeling unsure of herself, the worst thing you can do is tell her to fake it. That implies she’s right to feel unsure about herself and that she’s actually missing something.
Instead, remind her of what she’s already accomplished and how much she’s already achieved. Point to the evidence: the preparation, the growth, the work she’s already put in. That’s what builds confidence and self-assuredness: evidence and reflection.”
He was genuinely surprised. It was clear that it had never occurred to him that his well-meaning support might actually be undermining someone’s trust in themselves.
But this is how bias operates: subtly, automatically, and often in the name of help.
Confidence Needs Reminders, Not Pretending
This is what “fake it” misses. Real confidence doesn’t come from masking fear—it comes from metabolizing it. From integrating our experiences and realizing, I can do this because I’ve done hard things before.
As psychologist Kristin Neff notes in her research on self-compassion, the most effective path to resilience and growth isn’t pressure; it’s treating ourselves with the gentleness that we’d treat a struggling friend.
So if you want to build confidence in yourself or others:
Don’t fake it. Find the evidence.
Don’t dismiss fear. Validate it, understand it, and move through it.
Don’t assume someone is lacking. Ask what they’ve already overcome.
What This Means for Leadership
The same principle applies in how we lead, manage, and mentor. When we suggest thta people should fake confidence, we’re often signaling our own discomfort with uncertainty. But when we show curiosity, patience, and belief, we create a foundation for real growth.
In Part 3, we’ll explore the Pygmalion effect—how our perceptions and expectations of others shape their outcomes—and what happens when we choose to believe in people’s potential before they’ve proven it. We'll ask: What kind of leader do you want to be? One who filters people out, or one who fosters growth?
(There will also be a few more mentions of cats, so fear not. The feline content will continue…)