You Don’t Have to Do It All Yourself
Why Asking for Help, Delegating, and Relying on Others Is a Resilience-Building Practice — Not a Weakness
"It’s just easier if I do it myself."
This is a common refrain that comes up with my coaching clients, whether I’m working with an overwhelmed parent, a startup founder, or a C-suite leader. Most of us don’t think of ourselves as micromanagers or needing control. We just care and want things done well. In many cases, we’ve been burned before. Perhaps we have a pile of evidence that we can’t or shouldn’t rely on others.
So we do it ourselves. We carry the load. Quietly. Competently. Until the weight becomes too much.
The Root of Control: Safety, Not Strength
The need to stay in control rarely comes out of nowhere. It’s often rooted in our experiences and history, including environments where safety meant being prepared, anticipating everyone else’s needs, and never letting things fall apart.
I see this pattern especially in eldest daughters, of which I am one. I joke that we can usually be counted on to have an itinerary in place with contingency plans, as well as back-up snacks and a first aid kit. Yet it’s not just women. I see these patterns with clients, regardless of gender.
Often, they’re trying to support their teams by being the one with all the answers, and the idea that they could simply ask their team members what they need or how they can be supported simply hasn’t occurred to them.
This isn’t typically about ego or hubris. It usually stems from a deep, learned belief that strong people handle things themselves and that asking for help signals weakness, incompetence, or risk.
The Myth of Rugged Individualism
Rugged individualism is often celebrated in our culture. How often have we heard the tired cliché (often attributed to Napoléon Bonaparte*): “If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.”?
But when we over-identify with doing it all alone, it becomes a brittle strategy. It only takes one illness, one emergency, or one more thing added to our plate for the whole system to collapse.
Real resilience isn’t about never needing help; it’s about knowing how and when to ask for it. It’s about building systems of care, not just systems of output.
*Sidenote: Some might attribute his downfall to hubris, but I’m also pretty sure he had some help in those battles he won.
Work and Home: Two Sides of the Same Pattern
The same control dynamic shows up in both professional and personal spaces:
Leaders don’t delegate because they fear things will be done incorrectly or not to their standards.
Partners carry invisible mental loads because they believe they’re the only ones who can do it “right.”
Team leads try to solve problems in isolation, rather than asking their peers, counterparts, or stakeholders what would actually help.
Whether we’re managing a household or leading a team, we often confuse control with care. But unspoken expectations and over-functioning don’t make us better leaders or better partners. They simply make us tired.
A Seven-Step Formula for Sharing the Load
Here’s a delegation formula I share with some of my coaching clients. It can work just as well at home as in the office:
Get Clear on the Actual Outcome
What really needs to be delivered? What’s the “minimum viable product”? What’s a preference or style choice rather than a criterion for success?Detach from the “How”
If the outcome and “cost” are aligned, does it matter if the path looks different from how you’d do it?Communicate Boundaries and Success Measures
Be explicit about any critical timelines, constraints, and what “good” looks like.Ask for Playback
Have the other person reflect back their understanding. This can help uncover gaps in understanding and unspoken assumptions early.Anticipate Obstacles Together
Ask: “What do you foresee that could get in the way? What support or resources would you need to follow through?”Schedule a Pre-Due Date Check-In
Set a milestone before the final deadline, not as a sign of mistrust, but to allow for feedback and iteration. Set the expectation that they can come to you if they encounter issues, but only after researching how to fix it themselves.Leave. Them. Alone.
That’s right. You leave them alone to get on with it. Unless any new information arises that impacts their scope or timeline, you can leave them to own the activity. Avoid the temptation to check in or ask how it’s going or where they’re at on it.
This kind of clarity fosters trust and self-sufficiency. It may take time to build the patterns and skills on both sides of the equation. These skills can include learning the difference between a preference and a success metric. If you have adjustments to make, be clear about what makes those changes critical to the effort's success. (And if they’re not critical, consider letting it go).
We Were Built for Community
Throughout human history, our resilience has always been rooted in interdependence. Community care, not self-sufficiency, has sustained us through hardship.
This is something we’re invited to remember each June as we celebrate both Pride Month and Juneteenth, both honoring the power of community, resistance, and collective strength. These aren’t just celebrations of identity or history but also reminders that we need one another, and that’s not a flaw. That’s our design.
You don’t have to be on the brink (or depths) of burnout to practice relying on others. It can start with one clear conversation. One brave ask. One shift in how we lead or partner.
Coaching Can Help
Many of these challenges aren’t simply logistical ones. They’re emotional ones. Coaching can provide a space to unlearn old patterns, explore what trust looks like, and practice new ways of communicating, leading, and asking for support.
Whether you’re a leader wanting to delegate more effectively, or someone learning to share the load at home or in your community, you’re not alone. And you don’t have to do it all by yourself.
An Invitation
If something in this piece landed with you, consider trying this:
Pick one thing you’re carrying alone, preferably something that’s been quietly exhausting you, then ask yourself:
What’s the real outcome that needs to happen here?
Who might be able to help?
What would it take to release some control of it, even just a little?
You might be surprised by how willing people are to show up once we let them.
Further Reading
Here are a list of book suggestions in case you’d like to read more about some of the concepts discussed here (Bookshop.org affiliate links below):
On noticing and dialoguing with the part of us that needs control, I recommend No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard Schwartz.
On learning how to share the household load, and how to differentiate between necessary and “good enough” I recommend Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky.
On the value of giving and receiving help in building resilient communities, I recommend The Serviceberry: Abundance and Reciprocity in the Natural World by Robin Wall Kimmerer.